Observatio

I am coming to the sad conclusion that I’m no longer demographically relevant in our culture. My age, if you’re familiar with the old style, is L, and it seems like when you hit L in this culture you’re ready for the glue factory as far as mass media is concerned. It will shoot Centrum Silver ads at you, sure, and AARP spots and pitches for absorbent underwear and supplemental insurance, not to mention quick fixes for your inevitable ED, but it refuses to make art for you, or even basic entertainment.

Full disclosure compels me to admit that I’m a fiction writer who has had a book published, but getting the second nailed down is apparently impossible. That’s because, partly, I’m L and I swing outie genitalia twixt my legs, but it’s also partly because the prime American demographic doesn’t read novels much anymore, or at least not literary ones. These people go to movies and download music and play video games, and that pretty much covers their spare time.

Two examples: I recently rented megahit “Spiderman III” and came away going “Huh?” It was pure garbazh from start to finish, a mishmash of poor special effects imposed on a moronic plot. It made no sense, had no internal logic, touched on no themes more complicated than “be true to yourself” or “good conquers evil,” and didn’t even offer the campy artistry of an old-time comic book. It was just something shiny to look at for two hours, which is enough to fascinate the 18- to 34-year-olds in our withering land. There are currently several high-quality movies out that deal with the fiasco in Iraq, but they are flopping. Meanwhile, the grown-ups’ movie season has arrived, not that anyone would notice. It’s artsier offerings are sure to vanish without a blip on the radar, making room for something more beefy: “Aliens vs. Predator -- Requiem.” Look for it on Christmas Day.

The other example is Guitar Hero, and its new clone Rock Band, video games that make you feel like you can handle an axe. GH costs a hundred bucks, RB one-eighty, and “playing” the instrument in them bears no relation at all to playing the guitar. Ironically, you can pick up a “real” instrument, used, for a hundred dollars and learn enough chords to simulate (in your basement room) all your favorite guitar heroes. The basics of guitar are not that hard to learn. I guess the flaw in it is that no virtual world is created when you play one, so you’re pretty much stuck in your own grim reality afterwards, void of hope and prospects.

I probably sound older than L. In my day, we played baseball with broomsticks and bottle caps and we loved it!